It is easy to allow things to bother you; to allow things to determine your attitude and behavior toward others... It is easy, thus many choose to give in.
This opens the door to become a 'victim' and a 'slave' to the situation rather than taking control yourself and using the situation as a tool to become better.
I am guilty of this myself, on more than one occasion, when things seemed to become impossible or the situation looked bleak I would shut down, lash out, or find some means of temporary escape, although not to the extent that some people might take it.
I did not become an addict or an Alcoholic, but I did end up hanging out a lot with friends, drinking a lot, and smoking a lot of cigarettes to pass the time and feel somewhat normal and connected, basically reverting to my teenage years when I was not around my Children.
I did lash out a lot, especially when the Mother of my Children, who was supposed to be caring for them, would show up asking for money 'for the Children' when she had spent all the Child Support money she was given on Meth... It was, and is, a very rough situation, and I felt like I was getting shafted for being the responsible adult, so naturally when I was not attending games or hanging out with my kids, or working, I shunned responsibility... I got as drunk as I could, as fast as I could, and smoked as many cigarettes as I could.
I had enough sense not to allow this, or my feelings, to effect or intrude upon my relationship with my Children and presented as best an example as I could to them.
I also had enough sense not to allow this sort of behavior to go further down the path of addiction, but there were a few moments of breakdown, a friend once found me sleep walking, I used to do that a lot, sleep walking while staring at my phone.
Basically just general destructive behavior, and what I call playing the 'Blame Game' which is not really a very good place to be in, even if presenting an outward façade, it is still just that, a façade, and there is no way to reconcile that within yourself... It is always best just to be truthful and forward with everything, especially when it comes to your Children.
My Son Garretty once showed up wearing one of my Karate medals and pointed at the person on the medal saying, 'This is you Daddy!'
He was six or seven at the time and I explained to him that it was not me, but it could be him someday, he would just have to work really hard and really dedicate himself to being a good, strong, and dedicated person.
Inside I knew that I was not the Superman my Son thought I was, and I could not allow him to think of me like that, but to strive for that within himself... He likely did not understand it, exactly, at that time, but he did go on to become a Wrestling Champion the following two years and continues to strive for greatness, they all do.
They have seen me at my weakest, but they have also seen me at my strongest, and it still bothers me when they think of me in this way, but that may only be natural for a Child to look up to their Father like that and this is why that Sacred Bond MUST be protected at all costs.
The last post was just a personal post of where the situation can go in the hopes that someone might take something away from it, this one is meant to illustrate those internal struggles we face on this journey and the fact that we can CHOOSE to overcome and use the situation to learn more about ourselves so that we can be better PARENTS!
What did I learn from this? What do I continue to learn? I learned to be a balanced parent, to accept the weaknesses that are present and work on them, to move forward and not hold onto things so much and, certainly, to be mindful enough that these things do not effect my relationship with my Children in a negative way.
I am an example to them, an example I hope they never have to follow to this extent, but hopefully they can gain something from my struggles and be better than I am.
I do not smoke Cigarettes any longer and I do not drink unless there is the rare occasion we are having a social gathering, and I tend not to get drunk.
I, ultimately, learned control and, through that, the power to choose, the power to become the Master of my own Will and allow the situation to shape me and forge me... The strongest blade is forged through the hottest flame.
No comments:
Post a Comment