It is easy to allow things to bother you; to allow things to determine your attitude and behavior toward others... It is easy, thus many choose to give in.
This opens the door to become a 'victim' and a 'slave' to the situation rather than taking control yourself and using the situation as a tool to become better.
I am guilty of this myself, on more than one occasion, when things seemed to become impossible or the situation looked bleak I would shut down, lash out, or find some means of temporary escape, although not to the extent that some people might take it.
I did not become an addict or an Alcoholic, but I did end up hanging out a lot with friends, drinking a lot, and smoking a lot of cigarettes to pass the time and feel somewhat normal and connected, basically reverting to my teenage years when I was not around my Children.
I did lash out a lot, especially when the Mother of my Children, who was supposed to be caring for them, would show up asking for money 'for the Children' when she had spent all the Child Support money she was given on Meth... It was, and is, a very rough situation, and I felt like I was getting shafted for being the responsible adult, so naturally when I was not attending games or hanging out with my kids, or working, I shunned responsibility... I got as drunk as I could, as fast as I could, and smoked as many cigarettes as I could.
I had enough sense not to allow this, or my feelings, to effect or intrude upon my relationship with my Children and presented as best an example as I could to them.
I also had enough sense not to allow this sort of behavior to go further down the path of addiction, but there were a few moments of breakdown, a friend once found me sleep walking, I used to do that a lot, sleep walking while staring at my phone.
Basically just general destructive behavior, and what I call playing the 'Blame Game' which is not really a very good place to be in, even if presenting an outward façade, it is still just that, a façade, and there is no way to reconcile that within yourself... It is always best just to be truthful and forward with everything, especially when it comes to your Children.
My Son Garretty once showed up wearing one of my Karate medals and pointed at the person on the medal saying, 'This is you Daddy!'
He was six or seven at the time and I explained to him that it was not me, but it could be him someday, he would just have to work really hard and really dedicate himself to being a good, strong, and dedicated person.
Inside I knew that I was not the Superman my Son thought I was, and I could not allow him to think of me like that, but to strive for that within himself... He likely did not understand it, exactly, at that time, but he did go on to become a Wrestling Champion the following two years and continues to strive for greatness, they all do.
They have seen me at my weakest, but they have also seen me at my strongest, and it still bothers me when they think of me in this way, but that may only be natural for a Child to look up to their Father like that and this is why that Sacred Bond MUST be protected at all costs.
The last post was just a personal post of where the situation can go in the hopes that someone might take something away from it, this one is meant to illustrate those internal struggles we face on this journey and the fact that we can CHOOSE to overcome and use the situation to learn more about ourselves so that we can be better PARENTS!
What did I learn from this? What do I continue to learn? I learned to be a balanced parent, to accept the weaknesses that are present and work on them, to move forward and not hold onto things so much and, certainly, to be mindful enough that these things do not effect my relationship with my Children in a negative way.
I am an example to them, an example I hope they never have to follow to this extent, but hopefully they can gain something from my struggles and be better than I am.
I do not smoke Cigarettes any longer and I do not drink unless there is the rare occasion we are having a social gathering, and I tend not to get drunk.
I, ultimately, learned control and, through that, the power to choose, the power to become the Master of my own Will and allow the situation to shape me and forge me... The strongest blade is forged through the hottest flame.
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
Small Battles.
It has been a rough ride for the last few years, but things are finally starting to look up as I am no longer 'couch surfing' due to really high Child Support deductions from my paychecks that left my living well below the poverty line, though technically I was making more money because most assistance programs are not allowed to take Child Support into account.
In the meantime I was able to make EVERY game for each of the Children and provide nice gifts for birthdays while attending every birthday party at a local Park where we played in the splash pads and had nice barbeques, like a real family.
Unfortunately their Mother had walked out on them in December of 2013 or 2014, I cannot remember exactly when and that was the story I was given by the Grandmother.
It turns out that the Grandmother had kicked their Mother out and threatened to call the Police should she return, all the while holding the Children and preventing their Mother from seeing them. A nice strategic move was to feed me a line of crap in order to gain my sympathies as their Father.
She did so in order to secure a letter from me to Child Support, along with other letters she had collected under false pretenses from various members of her Church Congregation (who had no idea that I was actually involved with the Children and had been the whole time because the Grandmother had told them I was M.I.A.).
The letter I turned in basically stated that I was assuming full Custody and was not granting Custody to Sharon, but that Child Support should continue until I secure a place to keep them, which I did by the middle of that summer, at which point I had gone out to pick them up with the help of the Police, but it was too late...
The Grandmother had enlisted the help of their Mother, basically bribed her with a truck, in order to have her present on the property to prevent me from taking them because no Parenting Plan had been finalized at that time... I had no money to do so due to Child Support and having secured a new place while waiting to start work at a new job the following week.
Their Mother still lives here in this State, as do I, but their Grandmother has taken them out of State to Utah, again, under false pretenses that their Mother is actually there and not here, although I can prove otherwise.
Now begins the long process of actually getting them back. Unfortunately I do not think this will be much help to most people out there, unless you are in similar situations, but maybe someone can garner some sort of useful information here BEFORE you get to this point so that it does not come to this.
Things are hard, especially in this State, and especially for Fathers, but things are not impossible and the best thing to do is to keep doing what you are doing, don't EVER give up no matter how hard things seem to be, no matter how impossibly high the mountain of paperwork and legalities becomes.
You really do not have the right to give up because it is your own Child(ren) at stake, the relationship is sacred and must be approached and protected as sacred.
Find the warrior within yourself and do not give up, hold your head high and, regardless how everything goes, in the end they will come back to you and you will have something to show for it by the example you set for them.
In the meantime I was able to make EVERY game for each of the Children and provide nice gifts for birthdays while attending every birthday party at a local Park where we played in the splash pads and had nice barbeques, like a real family.
Unfortunately their Mother had walked out on them in December of 2013 or 2014, I cannot remember exactly when and that was the story I was given by the Grandmother.
It turns out that the Grandmother had kicked their Mother out and threatened to call the Police should she return, all the while holding the Children and preventing their Mother from seeing them. A nice strategic move was to feed me a line of crap in order to gain my sympathies as their Father.
She did so in order to secure a letter from me to Child Support, along with other letters she had collected under false pretenses from various members of her Church Congregation (who had no idea that I was actually involved with the Children and had been the whole time because the Grandmother had told them I was M.I.A.).
The letter I turned in basically stated that I was assuming full Custody and was not granting Custody to Sharon, but that Child Support should continue until I secure a place to keep them, which I did by the middle of that summer, at which point I had gone out to pick them up with the help of the Police, but it was too late...
The Grandmother had enlisted the help of their Mother, basically bribed her with a truck, in order to have her present on the property to prevent me from taking them because no Parenting Plan had been finalized at that time... I had no money to do so due to Child Support and having secured a new place while waiting to start work at a new job the following week.
Their Mother still lives here in this State, as do I, but their Grandmother has taken them out of State to Utah, again, under false pretenses that their Mother is actually there and not here, although I can prove otherwise.
Now begins the long process of actually getting them back. Unfortunately I do not think this will be much help to most people out there, unless you are in similar situations, but maybe someone can garner some sort of useful information here BEFORE you get to this point so that it does not come to this.
Things are hard, especially in this State, and especially for Fathers, but things are not impossible and the best thing to do is to keep doing what you are doing, don't EVER give up no matter how hard things seem to be, no matter how impossibly high the mountain of paperwork and legalities becomes.
You really do not have the right to give up because it is your own Child(ren) at stake, the relationship is sacred and must be approached and protected as sacred.
Find the warrior within yourself and do not give up, hold your head high and, regardless how everything goes, in the end they will come back to you and you will have something to show for it by the example you set for them.
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
Beginnings.
As of this writing I have three Sons and Two Daughters, a man could not be more blessed in his memory with such a unique and diverse bunch.
I have a Son that is a Wrestling Champion at nine years old, another Son that is bound for Pro Soccer, a third Son that has the makings of a Master Chef, a Daughter that could be a world class Gymnast, or a famous dancer if she chooses, and my youngest, my Lumpkin, is already show signs of musical understanding beyond anyone I have seen, except maybe my cousin Adam, who is a Master Guitarist in his twenties.
My journey began years ago when I was told that the Mother of my first four was pregnant with my Son Geoffrey by Phone Call.
My friend and Aikido Teacher was sitting on my couch when the call came in... We had been training for ours out in the woods and during some meditation I had a vision of a fetus spinning in circles, so part of me had already known the news was coming.
Months went by waiting and Geoffrey was born in November, the night she went into labor I had driven to Deaconess Hospital in an old clunker to be there when my Son entered the world, but it was not to be, for that night was not the night and when I pulled away from the Hospital to go home I was pulled over and found myself surrounded by about twelve Cops.
I had borrowed the care from a friend and, it turned out, the tabs belonged to a truck... The Police scraped away the tabs, but let me go on my way when I explained myself.
Geoffrey was born the next day and I looked him in the eyes the first time, his eyes so inquisitive, he barely made a sound, he smiled at me when I picked him up, but I was told it was probably just gas because he couldn't actually see me... I like to think he could, and it wasn't gas.
After that my Son Garretty was born, same hospital, and I ended up wrecking a car on my way in to pick him and his Mother up from the Hospital, my Sons Geoffrey and Gregory were in the car and while Geoffrey screamed Gregory had unbuckled his seat belt and tried to escape through the back door... Thank God for Child Safety Locks.
My oldest Daughter was Born by C-Section and had already entered the world before I could even get to the Hospital.
She was born premature and had to live in the NICU at Deaconess for a Month and a Half as she was only three pounds, but if you look at her now you would say that was three pounds of pure attitude because she is completely health and lively as any other kid her age, perhaps more so.
I was able to be in their lives as much as possible as things got out of control with their Mother, who succumbed to drug addiction and the manipulative influence of a Mother who would just as soon beat her into submission in front of the Children than do the Motherly thing...
It has been a rough couple of years for me, but likely worse for the Children, who do not fully comprehend just what took place.
My youngest Daughter was born recently, after many years of struggling for myself, her Mother came along and put me back together.
My youngest Daughter is every bit the spunkiness her sister is, but in her own unique way, and I look at her knowing she has a right to know her Brothers and her Sister, she has a right to be in their lives and they have a right to be in hers'.
I look forward to the day that they meet and our family is united.
I have a Son that is a Wrestling Champion at nine years old, another Son that is bound for Pro Soccer, a third Son that has the makings of a Master Chef, a Daughter that could be a world class Gymnast, or a famous dancer if she chooses, and my youngest, my Lumpkin, is already show signs of musical understanding beyond anyone I have seen, except maybe my cousin Adam, who is a Master Guitarist in his twenties.
My journey began years ago when I was told that the Mother of my first four was pregnant with my Son Geoffrey by Phone Call.
My friend and Aikido Teacher was sitting on my couch when the call came in... We had been training for ours out in the woods and during some meditation I had a vision of a fetus spinning in circles, so part of me had already known the news was coming.
Months went by waiting and Geoffrey was born in November, the night she went into labor I had driven to Deaconess Hospital in an old clunker to be there when my Son entered the world, but it was not to be, for that night was not the night and when I pulled away from the Hospital to go home I was pulled over and found myself surrounded by about twelve Cops.
I had borrowed the care from a friend and, it turned out, the tabs belonged to a truck... The Police scraped away the tabs, but let me go on my way when I explained myself.
Geoffrey was born the next day and I looked him in the eyes the first time, his eyes so inquisitive, he barely made a sound, he smiled at me when I picked him up, but I was told it was probably just gas because he couldn't actually see me... I like to think he could, and it wasn't gas.
After that my Son Garretty was born, same hospital, and I ended up wrecking a car on my way in to pick him and his Mother up from the Hospital, my Sons Geoffrey and Gregory were in the car and while Geoffrey screamed Gregory had unbuckled his seat belt and tried to escape through the back door... Thank God for Child Safety Locks.
My oldest Daughter was Born by C-Section and had already entered the world before I could even get to the Hospital.
She was born premature and had to live in the NICU at Deaconess for a Month and a Half as she was only three pounds, but if you look at her now you would say that was three pounds of pure attitude because she is completely health and lively as any other kid her age, perhaps more so.
I was able to be in their lives as much as possible as things got out of control with their Mother, who succumbed to drug addiction and the manipulative influence of a Mother who would just as soon beat her into submission in front of the Children than do the Motherly thing...
It has been a rough couple of years for me, but likely worse for the Children, who do not fully comprehend just what took place.
My youngest Daughter was born recently, after many years of struggling for myself, her Mother came along and put me back together.
My youngest Daughter is every bit the spunkiness her sister is, but in her own unique way, and I look at her knowing she has a right to know her Brothers and her Sister, she has a right to be in their lives and they have a right to be in hers'.
I look forward to the day that they meet and our family is united.
Intro.
My name and position in life, beyond being a Father, is not really that important, compared to the Children for whom I have given my life.
Once a person becomes a parent, whether Father or Mother, they become a memory for their Children to draw from, both positive AND negative, all of it is laid bare, and it should be, with the hope that those little ones grow to become bigger and better people than we are... We should never judge them, for them to become better than we, we should never be in a position to judge, but to guide... Even in our absence.
A friend and Teacher suggested that I put together my experiences for a book that might help others in similar situations to myself, but that never made any sense to me, why would I put it in book form that can only be found in a book store where people will likely just buy it to have it collect dust on a shelf??
Nothing is more important than the path of Fatherhood, whatever that may be, and no one can really put a price on it, let alone have it confined to a book store, a publisher, and a market.
For my part, all I can do is share my story and hope that maybe it has something to offer someone out there that might have some questions AND let my own Children know just what was going on at this point in time so that they might know some portion of the truth, whatever they decide that is.
Being a Father is a Rocky Road, and whether you are Irish like me or not, you can appreciate the bumps and bruises along the way...
Once a person becomes a parent, whether Father or Mother, they become a memory for their Children to draw from, both positive AND negative, all of it is laid bare, and it should be, with the hope that those little ones grow to become bigger and better people than we are... We should never judge them, for them to become better than we, we should never be in a position to judge, but to guide... Even in our absence.
A friend and Teacher suggested that I put together my experiences for a book that might help others in similar situations to myself, but that never made any sense to me, why would I put it in book form that can only be found in a book store where people will likely just buy it to have it collect dust on a shelf??
Nothing is more important than the path of Fatherhood, whatever that may be, and no one can really put a price on it, let alone have it confined to a book store, a publisher, and a market.
For my part, all I can do is share my story and hope that maybe it has something to offer someone out there that might have some questions AND let my own Children know just what was going on at this point in time so that they might know some portion of the truth, whatever they decide that is.
Being a Father is a Rocky Road, and whether you are Irish like me or not, you can appreciate the bumps and bruises along the way...
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